Note: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Team Biden, in a pre-2022 midterms, hail Mary effort to get some sort of positive talk about Biden going, decided to take its cigarette banning efforts to the next level and not just ban menthols, but all cigarettes.
So, trundling Dr. Fauci out once again, Team Biden did away with one of the last vestiges of the mid-20th century, America’s time of greatness, in the hope of a popularity coup, getting an ever happy to be on TV Dr. Fauci to say:
“Here’s the deal, folks, we didn’t know lung cancer was so dangerous until now. But, thanks to some new science and funding, we finally figured out how terrible it is, so we’re going to have to go all in on banning cigarettes.
“That means no more menthols, no more cowboy killers, no more of any form of tobacco that you enjoy smoking, even if you wear a mask! Smoking weed and crack, as Hunter Biden likes, is okay though.
“This is a simple case of forever to flatten a different curve, so just stop smoking you stupid peasants!”
Bizarrely, Fauci then broke down crying (disgusted with himself, perhaps) and had to be walked of the stage of the fake White House, which is where the whole spectacle was being filmed.
Things only got worse from there. Americans, apparently, still smoke occassionally despite telling their doctors and insurance companies that they never touch the stuff, so packs of cigs became very expensive on the black market (a term Psaki insisted is racist) and America got even angrier at Biden.
In fact, America got so angry with Slow Joe that whatever his last large pillar of support was got knocked out, with his support crashing from an already low 30-something percent, depending on who counts the votes, to a record low 2-percent.
Emergency polling, carried out in the wake of that ratings disaster, found out that of all the demographics in America, only the type of woman who is a) a schoolmarm, b) a nagging mother in law whose son in law has too many tattoos, and c) is running for a local (not even state) government position, still supports Biden at a rate greater than 0%.
Even Biden’s staffers, many of whom have to smoke to keep their nerves from fraying as the senile president stumbles around, no longer support the president, furious that they have to wear patches, use Zyn, or, worst of all, vape.
Hunter Biden even jumped on board the criticism train, attacking his dad in an Instagram rant that Tucker Carlson made famous, saying “What the hell, Big Man? You’re telling me I can’t smoke anymore? What are the hookers and I supposed to do after we’re done but before I pay? This is a whole lot of BS, man!”
Though not overly relateable, most Americans agreed with the sentiment, at least, and so Biden is not at the lowest approval rating for anyone ever.
This story syndicated with permission from The Liberty Leader Political Satire